Wondering!

Expressing thoughts in an articulate manner, not one of my strengths.  Especially if those thoughts are important or deeply meaningful.  Not a good problem.  This past few months I have been pondering much about the Atonement of Christ, faith, repentance, baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost along with endurance.  Many wonderful thoughts flit through my brain; and then when sitting at the keyboard ready to immortalize those thoughts, my mind goes blank and what I write seems trivial and unworthy of  being recorded.

Decided to seek help.  I am inviting your comments below.  Seeing how you each articulate what you would like to say may help me be able to express myself more meaningfully.

Why is "endurance" a part of the Gospel?  How does it fit into the "good news" of Christ and His mission?  What is endurance?  Why are their times in our life when it is easier to endure than others?

Blogs are supposed to be for us to express personal thoughts.
Turning this around a bit, today.

Thank you, for your comments.

Where is the Time!

Santa was requested to give me more time.  I don't think he has delivered it yet.  I have had so many thoughts these past few months about so many things and never have had time to write them down.  Now these thoughts have flown from my mind just as time.  Oh, my!

Creating

I just saw a post this morning with a video of highlighting President Uctdorf's talk about creating, I belief it was a General Relief Society meeting a few years ago.  I have included the link.

www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-02-06-create?lang=eng

I also have been trying to be more grateful in my prayers due the following article in the August Ensign.

www.lds.org/ensign/2013/08/recognize-remember-and-give-thanks?lang=eng

Some things happened this morning that helped me muse a little so I thought I would write them down.
First not everything we create has to be artsy.  In fact we can create all kinds of fabulous things as daughters of God.  One thing that I have found to be the most fulfilling has been trying to create the wife my husband deserves.

Now I suppose that some woman in today's society would shake their heads at that statement and feel sorry for me, labeling me as an oppressed woman.  But let me explain.  I am anything but oppressed.  Oppression, in my situation, would have to be a choice and I suppose there are many woman who want to be oppressed in today's society.  But how can I really be oppressed.  I live in a fabulous house that a hard working husband pays for.  Yes, I clean it, but he drives 45 minutes each day to get to a job he which is not his dream job and he then drives another 45 minutes home through horrendous traffic to be with who, ME!  Everyday, he chooses me.  So I don't mind doing the cleaning, the washing and the cooking because this fabulous guy chooses to come home to me every night and I try really hard to make it worth his while.  If that makes me oppressed, I have to say I am happily oppressed.

I try to create, every night, the atmosphere and dinner to which Kreed looks forward.  I wish I had made this a top priority in my creating when I was a younger mother.  My children might have suffered a bit, but they would have seen a better example of a mother who loved her husband.  I am just grateful that Kreed endured those years of coming home to a house that was in chaos.  The silly thing is, that the chaos was caused by an OCD mother who was trying desperately to make that moment perfect for her husband and did it by trying to control the world.

How much better it would have been if I didn't care that the wash was not done, that the kids had not completed their chores, that dinner was burned.  What I should have cared about was that my knight in shinning armor had just arrived home to his castle.  He could have gone elsewhere at anytime, but he choose to return home every night and I should have rejoiced.  I should have thanked him for his gallantry for overlooking imperfections of his household.  I should have jumped in his arms and told him how brave he was to face the dragons of his world everyday so we could afford to eat the burnt offering that appeared at the table.  I should have ALLOWED him to help me tuck the kiddos into bed a few minutes sooner each night so I could let my strong knight hold me in his arms just a little longer before we passed out.

But instead, I complained.  I told him how rotten the kids were, how hard it was to get anything done, how OPPRESSED I was.  I created the oppressed princess, not my husband.  I snarled at the compliments he gave.  I whined at the suggestions he offered.  I was a wicked wizened witch many nights.  How and why did he return?  What did he see in me that I did not?  I don't know what blinders God puts on men, but thank you, thank you, thank you.

Slowly through the years, I learned to let go.  I stopped trying to make my knight into something I wanted.  I started accepting him for whom he was.  I started looking at the witch in the mirror and slowly the scales fell away.  I am willing to accept myself as the queen my husband must have seen somewhere underneath the dragon.  Where are the arguments we had?  Where is the bickering?  It is gone.  Not because he changed, but because I changed.  I don't argue, I have nothing to defend.  I do not bicker, he does nothing I want to change.

Yes, I plan, I clean and I cook.  But there are days, the meal is still burned, there are days that the wash is still on the floor and the bath room still does not sparkle.  But my eyes do when I hear that door open.  I rush to my King and try to make him feel that he is the reason I am I here.  I hug him as if my life depended on it, and it does.  He still pops out with, "How was you day?" and I am often tempted to tell him of my petty problems, but mostly now, I just tell him how wonderful I feel simply because he chose to come home to me.  I usher him in to my less than perfectly clean kitchen and most days to a relatively decent supper and make his day my top priority.  He helps me clean off the dinner table as we chat about the kids or his experiences at work.  We go outside and enjoy the drudgery of taking care of the yard together in the beauty he has created there.  We come back in and with no kids to put to bed we enjoy falling asleep exhausted in each others arms every night.

Now you know what I have created, and why I like it.  But why did I bring up the gratitude article.  Because that was how I become the woman my husband actually enjoys coming home to,  For him, I know it is a duty any more,  I am sure of that.  What changed? I learned to be grateful for the man I had married.  For who he was, not who I wanted him to be.

He never gave me a lot of praise, he didn't come from that kind of a family.  He often teased me in ways I thought were hurtful.  I didn't like that and I wanted it to stop.  He didn't go to church the way I wanted him to attend church.  He didn't help out with the kids the way I wanted him to.  He did not do a lot of things the way I wanted him to.  I, I, I, I, I, and more I's.

When I started to do a very simple thing, my husband become perfect.  He did nothing.  He did not change.  This is what I started doing.  I listened to Dr. Laura and my husband was like most of the husbands that belonged to the complaining wives who called her.  Then one day, instead of listening to her callers and agreeing with them and understanding their poor situation, I listened to Dr. Laura.  She suggested that this lady write down three things every day that she liked about her husband.  The woman at the moment could not think of a single thing.  Dr. Laura challenged her.  I was not like that woman.  I could think of three things surely.  I was surprised at how easy it was to think of three wonderful things about my husband.  I wrote them down.

Everyday, I looked for three new things I appreciated, admired or just found sexy about my husband.  He did not changed, but my attitude did.  I was not as critical of all the things I felt he should be doing.

Then I took a big step and started mentioning these things in my prayers.  Suddenly the things I wished my husband would stop doing, like the teasing didn't matter any more.  Is it possible, that dreaded teaching became endearing.  No, really?  Yes, it is true!   His little jabs made me smile and laugh and low and behold he smiled and laughed, we hugged and you know what that can lead too.  So much better than me pouting and crying in my bedroom.

Then I took the really big step, the hardest of all.  I started mentioning sincerely how I appreciated this or that.  I didn't do it expecting anything back from him.  It was totally and completely that I appreciated him.  I desired no remarks in return and frankly, I didn't get any like that.  

Kreed doesn't have to be the man I thought I needed to change him into.  He has always been the man I needed and wanted.  I changed myself into the woman who loved him and admired him for who he is.  I am so grateful for that.  I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who gave me time to change.   There were times in our marriage that I didn't know for sure if we would have the time to find happiness.  But my husband was amazingly patient and my thick skull finally cracked and I got the message.  I am one happy, blessed and lucky wife.

The amazing, wonderful, miraculous thing, is I apparently have been the woman my husband wanted all along.

Manipulation Does Not Work

For the past few months, Kreed and I have been reading some "self-help" and "motivational" books.  The one thing they all seem to have in common is this.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.

I will try to put this is a quick gospel setting.  The one thing that our Father in Heaven assures us as a gift here upon this earth, besides our body, is our agency.  If He doesn't try to "change" us, how can we possibly think that any amount of whining, manipulating, planning, yelling, coercing, etc. can hope to change our spouse, sibling, child, neighbor or coworker.  He has never commanded us to make others perfect.  The commandment is "to be ye, therefore, perfect."  Change ourselves.  

How do we react to others?   Do we use this gift of free will in our reactions to others?  Or do we just abandon our freedom and become victims of our circumstances.  Very sad.  I do it all the time.  

The books give great ideas on how to use our own free will to change our reactions to others.  There is nothing in any of the books on how to change others.  It is our own reactions that matter and ultimately change our lives and how we perceive those around us. 

If there was anyone who should have and could have sought revenge, it was Christ.  But look at how He handled things.  For those who spit upon Him, laughed at Him, mocked Him and ultimately killed Him.  He willingly gave His life, because He chose to.  He chose to LOVE.  

We think, yeah, but it is not fair.  My husband yelled at me.  My co-worker went behind my back.  My kids are disrespectful. Etc, etc.  All true.  It is not fair.  Was Christ's crucifixion fair?  The one who loved us all enough to go through what He went through?  Was it fair?  

Is it fair, then for us to reject the gift of agency, after what He chose to do for us.  Thank goodness, for His atonement and my ability to repent and change.  I love my Savior and His sacrifice.  I am trying hard to remember that I have a chose in how I react because of my brother, Jesus Christ!  I am so glad I am finally learning that lesson.  

The Cycle of the Murmuring Habit

I am sure this will count for something in choice and accountability. 

The Cycle of the Murmuring Habit

Just a quick review of  habits.  Cue, action, and reward.  To create a good habit: plan a cue that will spark the desired action that leads to the reward.  To get rid of a bad habit: identify the bad habit’s cues and rewards.  These must remain the same and then plan a new action taken at the cue.  That is a real short review and of course there is more to it than that. 

Just finished reading 1 Nephi 16.  Laman and Lemuel have a very bad habit.  When the going gets tough…they murmur.  I have the same bad habit.  It probably started innocent enough as they left their home in Jerusalem.  They both turned to each other and complained about how Dad had really gone too far this time.  The reward was mutual sympathy.  Using that as a cue, they turned to Nephi and Sam and complained to them.  Probably not much reward with that.  Then they tried to escalate the murmuring by going to their Dad. 

Things are going along great though for a while. They make it back successfully from their second trip to Jerusalem.  They marry.  The Liahona is given and they move on into the wilderness.  They are able to kill food for their families.  They probably feel very manly.  Then there comes a hiccup in the works.  Their bows lose their spring and Nephi’s breaks.  A problem has arisen, that is the cue. What action comes from the cue? Complaining!  Not, “How do we fix our bows?  Can we make a new one?  What about traps or snares?”  Nope, no habit of solving the problem has been developed, just the habit of murmuring. 

Note how their habit of complaining spreads.  Even to the prophet.  Sounds like the whole camp had moved from murmuring about their situation to complaining to and about God.  Poor Nephi, luckily for everyone else, developed different habits.  Notice verse 21.  He doesn’t say he is afflicted with lack of food.  No his affliction is his brethren.  In fact the affliction of his brethren “began to be exceedingly difficult.”  And apparently this brotherly aflliction caused the inability to obtain food. 

What is Nephi’s action to this cue of affliction?  See verse 21.  He begins to speak much unto his brethren that they must not harden their hearts or complain against God.  He doesn't pray and he doesn't make a bow. He calls his brothers to repentance. 

Next he makes the bow (solves the problem somewhat without prayer), goes to his dad and asks him to pray to get direction. 

What a great habit.  When the going gets tough…get going.  Don’t sit there.  Do what you can do.  Remind others that it is God who is in charge!  Then get to work.  Follow the line of authority.  Go and do! 

Everything works out well for family, they get fed.  They all take up the journey again.  

 But then Ishmael dies.  The habit of murmuring follows a different path this time.  A father dies.  That is the cue of a cultural habit, mourning.  The daughters mourn exceedingly.  But they don’t stop.  They escalate to mourning about their situation.  Mourning changes to murmuring and they murmur against the prophet. 

Now for women who think they don’t have any power over the priesthood…these woman continue to murmur. As these women continue to complain, their husbands decide to take drastic action.  Look at verse 37, they want to commit murder.  Yep, the women drove them to that, I believe. 

Thank goodness, that even in this very difficult time, the Lord is still with them and with His own voice they are called to repentance and humble themselves.  But they fail to change their actions, their habits remain the same.  So when the next cue come, the next tribulation…yep, they murmur. 

Tribulation is part of my journey of life.  Some tribulations are only minor and others seem so large they threaten to completely derail the journey forever. 

What habits can I develop when the cue of tribulation hits?  Will I murmur and search for the reward of mutual misery?  Can I recognize that this is the time I can rely on my Savior and his atonement?  When it is tough, will I get going? Will my reward for enduring be the comfort of the atonement in my life and joy in my up and down journey?  I have some planning to do.  

Habits

A short review of the book

The Power of Habit

Why We Do What We Do in Life and In Business

By Charles Duhigg

A book based on scientific study of habits, how they are formed and how we can change habits.  The author introduces the habit loop.  He says there is a cue, something that sets our habit in motion.  There is the habit or action. And there is the reward. 

Developing a good habit is easy.  For instance, say you want to start exercising.  You need to create the cue, laying out your exercise clothes at night so you see them when you get up.  Then you do the action.  This action leads to a reward.  If you want the habit to be one that really sticks, get the habit to create a craving.  It was interesting that 98% of people who exercised commented that they craved their endorphin high.  But for those who really stuck with their exercising, 68% of those also had some way of measuring success in small increments.  They not only craved the endorphins but the accomplishments they made each day. 

None of us want to change our good habits.  But we have so many bad habits.  How do we change those and stay successful at keeping them changed. 

The book is full of many examples and great inspiring stories of how people were able to change their habits.  Read them for yourself.  Here I just want to state the process Duhigg reports that leads to success in changing a habit. 

In order to change a bad habit, it is best not to change the cues or the reward, just the action.  An example is someone who smokes.  The cue may be stress, the action is smoking, the reward is release of the stress.  So how can someone give up smoking, life is stressfull.  We all have it.  But research has shown that caffeine can give the same stress relief as one cigarette.  So when stress comes, drink a cup of coffee, down a Mountain Dew, etc.  The relief comes and a habit is changed. 

Sounds simple but for many of us our bad habits are so ingrained we have no idea what actually cues them and we don’t necessarily recognize what reward we receive. 

This is where the author brings in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Science has recently studied why AA is so successful.  Steps four and five require the Alcoholic to think about and list all the cues that drive him to drink and then all the rewards he feels from drinking.  We need to do the same when it comes to a habit we wish to conquer.  We must concentrate on what is happening at the moment before we take the action we wish to remove from our lives.  How do we feel right afterwards and why?

Of course it is suggested that we write these things down.  Then we have to make a plan for what we will do instead of our bad habit.  For instance we want to stop eating the junk food people bring to work.  We discover that it is when we are bored or sleepy at work that we drop into the break room and grab some Twizzlers.  Afterwards, we are not so tired, we have a little sugar high and besides they tasted good. To change that, we make a plan.  Today, when the boredom hits, instead of walking to the break room, we walk to the stairs and go up and down four or five flights.  We have an endorphin high and we are on our way to replacing the bad habit with a good one. 

Now one thing that researches did not like about AA was their relying on God.  Because these were scientists not chaplains, they wanted to prove that one did not have to rely on God to overcome an addiction or habit.  A scientist in Germany implanted electrodes in the basal ganglia of a number of extremely addicted alcoholics; one had been through rehab 60 times.  They all reported that as soon as the electrodes were turned on they could walk into a bar and have no temptation at all.  Success!  But then they went back to their lives.  The stress mounted (the cue) and soon they were back drinking again even though they had no physical craving for alcohol.  It was the habit they had developed when they felt stress. 

This is the part of the book with the great inspirational stories. For the most part, the author remains a science reporter, but he just can’t explain everything with science. These men found that when they developed a “belief system” of some kind, they succeeded in giving up the alcohol.  They went to AA groups and saw that others were succeeding and that gave them the faith that they could succeed themselves. 

Even if it is just one other person, someone who can help you believe you can do it, solidifies your ability to replace one habit with another. 

In review, to change a habit, you cannot get rid of a bad habit.  It will always be a part of your brain pattern.  What you have to do is replace the action with a good action.  The cues and the rewards must stay the same.  But to be totally successful you have to have a community of believers even if it is just one. 

I read this book because I was interested to see why I have been successful at losing weight this time around.  I have seen how doing P90X supported the idea of developing a habit loop. Having the cue, doing the action (habit), receiving a reward.  P90X is extreme and it is not always “fun.”  But Tony Horton, the coach, has you keep track of every rep and every weight you lift.  I had the cues all around me.  My workout sheets were taped to the closet door.  My workout clothes and shoes were there when I got up in the morning.  My husband gets up early too, perhaps the best cue of all.  I got the endorphin high even when I was dying.  But more than that, and I think this is something that really did make a difference for me.  I recorded the weights and the reps and I saw the progress. 

But what has kept me going.  After all, I have done P90X twice and P90X Plus and now I am doing Turbo Fire, another extreme workout.  I have lost weight.  Why keep going? 

I have a group, a community that helped me believe.  I didn’t plan to be able to do all that I have done.  My daughter-in-law does not know how much she influenced me.  Heidi was so successful, she help me I try too.  My son, Jeremy laughed with me and encouraged me too. 

My husband loves my new slim and “powerful” look.  Jeremy started a Facebook group that has given me more incentive.  How can I stop?

But here comes the part that I think the author missed.  He reported people talking about it, but he did not list it as a component of the key to complete change.  All the really inspiring stories about people and groups that changed, reported one specific thing.  They started changing because they wanted to help others.  They stopped thinking about themselves.  In my vocabulary, they developed Charity.  The drunk helped put the chairs away at an AA meeting.  That was it, he put the chairs away.  He had helped the group and began to believe in them.  The football team started to do it for their coach.  The dad stopped cocaine for his son.

I continue to exercise for myself, of course; but also for my family.  I don’t want to be stuck in a wheelchair due to my arthritis.  I want to be the grandma who does, not just watches.  I want to serve a mission with my husband, AWAY FROM HOME.  I want to be able to be of service to others.  I want to inspire the person who thinks they can’t.  If I can, they certainly can.  Others keep me going.  I hope this little review helps others find ways to change too. 

I Stand All Amazed

Not a huge blog today.  Just working of Personal Progress and had to read 2 Nephi 2.  I find something new in there every time I read it.  Not necessarily, new...but something that touches me more in depth, I suppose.

So this time it was verse 7.

2:6 “ Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.” I don’t know if on earth, the statement, “...he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin,...” sinks in with as much meaning as it should.  I wonder how I comprehended His offer while in the pre-earth life.  Do I really grasp what he has done for me?  Am I willing to be broken hearted and contrite so that what He did for me, out of love for me, will be of value?  “I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me.”    

I love this picture by Liz L. Swindle. It is entitled, Mother.  Christ hugging his mother Mary.