Accepting Agency

Goodmorning everyone: 

I have been musing again and thought it would be good to write some of it down and therefore organize my thoughts into some kind of cohesive comprehensive unite.

I recently bought a book entitled, “If Only…”  In the preface there was this story that I will tell in my own words.  The author, Kim A. Nelson, a LDS therapist, explains that he was in a city giving a speech.  After the speech, a woman in a wheelchair, came to him from the audience and asked if he was LDS.  When he answered in the affirmative she asked if he was worthy to give a priesthood blessing.  He had to think about that for a moment and then answered yes again.  She asked if would be willing to give her a blessing as she was far from her home ward and did not know anybody else that she could turn to.  Brother Nelson asked if he could go get a friend who he knew was at the conference also to assist in the blessing.

Together they found a room that was private and asked the woman what kind of blessing she required.  She then told them that she had been baptized about 18 months before.  Shortly after that she had been diagnosed with MS, her husband had left her and she had 3 boys, 2 with ADHD and the last one had been diagnosed with some form of autism.  Brother Nelson and his friend were overwhelmed with her story.  How could they bless all her problems away!  Brother Nelson asked her what kind of blessing she was seeking.  She said simply, “I need you to bless me that I can learn to love my new life.” 

She did not ask for any of her trials to be removed or made easier.  She was willing to accept what the Lord gave her, she just wanted to right attitude to enjoy what she had been given.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It made me think of different circumstances I have observed in my life.  Sister Harless’s way of approaching her death (accepting and enjoying the time she had) and Sister Doty’s (who has mournful endured it).  The way the Stewart Family and the Bench Family have approached the death of their loved ones versus the way Sister Walker has mourned the death of her three sons to the point of not enjoying the lives of those who still live. 

The title of the next section is, “Accepting the Gift of Agency.”  The 60’s era part of me immediately thought on reading that, “Wow, man!  That is deep!”  Do I fully accept that gift?  I do not know?  Do I feel that I just hang on for the ride and endure what comes my way? 

Recently a sister in the ward said, “It is easy for you to be happy.  You have never had to struggle with your kids or your family.  You have the perfect life.”  At first I agreed with her, and even felt guilty for my joy.  Then I thought---“WHAT!?  Lady, you don’t know me.  You have no idea what I have been through in my life or what I am going through right now.  I am happy, because I choose to be happy!” 

People feel the same way about Pam.  I have been told many times that they envy Pam and her perfect husband, home and family.  Oh, if they only knew.  We look around at others and envy their money, their perfect children, their perfect spouse, their perfect home.  We are idiots.  We have no way of knowing what they are experiencing behind their closed doors.  No one gets away without having trials to overcome in their lives.  I have also learned that those trials at many times are so severe that we feel we cannot overcome them.  They need to be that bad, so that we will turn to our Father in Heaven and our Savior and rely on him. 

Am I happy, because I have learned to trust the Savior and to lean on him?  I have some heavy trials right now.  I do a lot of praying, but I don’t do a lot of stewing.  Have I come to the point in life where I can endure well?  I don’t want to say yes for fear God will put me to a bigger test.  I don’t need more testing.  At least that is my humble mortal opinion.  But I can endure what I have experienced and what I am experiencing with hope for a better life here and in the hereafter.  Perhaps I have accepted that “gift” of agency and am putting it to use.  At least so far in my life I seem to be able to choose life and liberty and happiness. 

Perhaps I am writing this down so that it will be of use to me in the future.  But I hope that I am beginning to accept the atonement as a power in my life.  I hope I am begging to accept that promise that I exist so that I can have joy.  Yes, I have trials and sorrow, but at the same time I have a lot of joy in my life.  I am an orphan, but I have the joy of knowing that my parents are my parents for time and eternity.  They are still a part of my life.  I received comfort just the other day from my mother.  I don’t even remember right now what the situation was.  Something in my life, some question or discouragement had arisen, and I felt her spiritual arms around me and seemed to hear her whisper, “You can do this.  I am right here.  You have done it before and you can do it again.”  I think it is amazing that I cannot remember what crises had developed at that moment.  I know it had been a big one, but I pulled through it or at least that part of it, healthy, happy and ready to face the next problem. 

If we truly accept the “gift” of agency we accept the responsibility for our actions, our choices and our consequences.  We realize we will make mistakes and that we can learn and try again.  We accept that Christ will forgive us.  That He suffered for all our stupid mistakes we make over and over again.  We accept that He is there with His hand outstretched to us through all our efforts of trial and error.  He lifts us up when we allow Him and He does not leave our side when we let go.  He is right there when we decide to take hold once again. 

If we accept our “gift,” then we have to allow others to use their own “gift.”  We cannot accept our own and try to manipulate others’.  We can invite, entreat, and encourage but we cannot force anyone else.  We have to allow others their right to their gift and their right to “accept” it. 

Thanks for reading.  I can’t force you to do anything. (As a mom, I might try, but in the end I will fail.) Thanks for making the choice to read my poor ramblings.  Love you all.