Wondering!

Expressing thoughts in an articulate manner, not one of my strengths.  Especially if those thoughts are important or deeply meaningful.  Not a good problem.  This past few months I have been pondering much about the Atonement of Christ, faith, repentance, baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost along with endurance.  Many wonderful thoughts flit through my brain; and then when sitting at the keyboard ready to immortalize those thoughts, my mind goes blank and what I write seems trivial and unworthy of  being recorded.

Decided to seek help.  I am inviting your comments below.  Seeing how you each articulate what you would like to say may help me be able to express myself more meaningfully.

Why is "endurance" a part of the Gospel?  How does it fit into the "good news" of Christ and His mission?  What is endurance?  Why are their times in our life when it is easier to endure than others?

Blogs are supposed to be for us to express personal thoughts.
Turning this around a bit, today.

Thank you, for your comments.

Where is the Time!

Santa was requested to give me more time.  I don't think he has delivered it yet.  I have had so many thoughts these past few months about so many things and never have had time to write them down.  Now these thoughts have flown from my mind just as time.  Oh, my!

Creating

I just saw a post this morning with a video of highlighting President Uctdorf's talk about creating, I belief it was a General Relief Society meeting a few years ago.  I have included the link.

www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-02-06-create?lang=eng

I also have been trying to be more grateful in my prayers due the following article in the August Ensign.

www.lds.org/ensign/2013/08/recognize-remember-and-give-thanks?lang=eng

Some things happened this morning that helped me muse a little so I thought I would write them down.
First not everything we create has to be artsy.  In fact we can create all kinds of fabulous things as daughters of God.  One thing that I have found to be the most fulfilling has been trying to create the wife my husband deserves.

Now I suppose that some woman in today's society would shake their heads at that statement and feel sorry for me, labeling me as an oppressed woman.  But let me explain.  I am anything but oppressed.  Oppression, in my situation, would have to be a choice and I suppose there are many woman who want to be oppressed in today's society.  But how can I really be oppressed.  I live in a fabulous house that a hard working husband pays for.  Yes, I clean it, but he drives 45 minutes each day to get to a job he which is not his dream job and he then drives another 45 minutes home through horrendous traffic to be with who, ME!  Everyday, he chooses me.  So I don't mind doing the cleaning, the washing and the cooking because this fabulous guy chooses to come home to me every night and I try really hard to make it worth his while.  If that makes me oppressed, I have to say I am happily oppressed.

I try to create, every night, the atmosphere and dinner to which Kreed looks forward.  I wish I had made this a top priority in my creating when I was a younger mother.  My children might have suffered a bit, but they would have seen a better example of a mother who loved her husband.  I am just grateful that Kreed endured those years of coming home to a house that was in chaos.  The silly thing is, that the chaos was caused by an OCD mother who was trying desperately to make that moment perfect for her husband and did it by trying to control the world.

How much better it would have been if I didn't care that the wash was not done, that the kids had not completed their chores, that dinner was burned.  What I should have cared about was that my knight in shinning armor had just arrived home to his castle.  He could have gone elsewhere at anytime, but he choose to return home every night and I should have rejoiced.  I should have thanked him for his gallantry for overlooking imperfections of his household.  I should have jumped in his arms and told him how brave he was to face the dragons of his world everyday so we could afford to eat the burnt offering that appeared at the table.  I should have ALLOWED him to help me tuck the kiddos into bed a few minutes sooner each night so I could let my strong knight hold me in his arms just a little longer before we passed out.

But instead, I complained.  I told him how rotten the kids were, how hard it was to get anything done, how OPPRESSED I was.  I created the oppressed princess, not my husband.  I snarled at the compliments he gave.  I whined at the suggestions he offered.  I was a wicked wizened witch many nights.  How and why did he return?  What did he see in me that I did not?  I don't know what blinders God puts on men, but thank you, thank you, thank you.

Slowly through the years, I learned to let go.  I stopped trying to make my knight into something I wanted.  I started accepting him for whom he was.  I started looking at the witch in the mirror and slowly the scales fell away.  I am willing to accept myself as the queen my husband must have seen somewhere underneath the dragon.  Where are the arguments we had?  Where is the bickering?  It is gone.  Not because he changed, but because I changed.  I don't argue, I have nothing to defend.  I do not bicker, he does nothing I want to change.

Yes, I plan, I clean and I cook.  But there are days, the meal is still burned, there are days that the wash is still on the floor and the bath room still does not sparkle.  But my eyes do when I hear that door open.  I rush to my King and try to make him feel that he is the reason I am I here.  I hug him as if my life depended on it, and it does.  He still pops out with, "How was you day?" and I am often tempted to tell him of my petty problems, but mostly now, I just tell him how wonderful I feel simply because he chose to come home to me.  I usher him in to my less than perfectly clean kitchen and most days to a relatively decent supper and make his day my top priority.  He helps me clean off the dinner table as we chat about the kids or his experiences at work.  We go outside and enjoy the drudgery of taking care of the yard together in the beauty he has created there.  We come back in and with no kids to put to bed we enjoy falling asleep exhausted in each others arms every night.

Now you know what I have created, and why I like it.  But why did I bring up the gratitude article.  Because that was how I become the woman my husband actually enjoys coming home to,  For him, I know it is a duty any more,  I am sure of that.  What changed? I learned to be grateful for the man I had married.  For who he was, not who I wanted him to be.

He never gave me a lot of praise, he didn't come from that kind of a family.  He often teased me in ways I thought were hurtful.  I didn't like that and I wanted it to stop.  He didn't go to church the way I wanted him to attend church.  He didn't help out with the kids the way I wanted him to.  He did not do a lot of things the way I wanted him to.  I, I, I, I, I, and more I's.

When I started to do a very simple thing, my husband become perfect.  He did nothing.  He did not change.  This is what I started doing.  I listened to Dr. Laura and my husband was like most of the husbands that belonged to the complaining wives who called her.  Then one day, instead of listening to her callers and agreeing with them and understanding their poor situation, I listened to Dr. Laura.  She suggested that this lady write down three things every day that she liked about her husband.  The woman at the moment could not think of a single thing.  Dr. Laura challenged her.  I was not like that woman.  I could think of three things surely.  I was surprised at how easy it was to think of three wonderful things about my husband.  I wrote them down.

Everyday, I looked for three new things I appreciated, admired or just found sexy about my husband.  He did not changed, but my attitude did.  I was not as critical of all the things I felt he should be doing.

Then I took a big step and started mentioning these things in my prayers.  Suddenly the things I wished my husband would stop doing, like the teasing didn't matter any more.  Is it possible, that dreaded teaching became endearing.  No, really?  Yes, it is true!   His little jabs made me smile and laugh and low and behold he smiled and laughed, we hugged and you know what that can lead too.  So much better than me pouting and crying in my bedroom.

Then I took the really big step, the hardest of all.  I started mentioning sincerely how I appreciated this or that.  I didn't do it expecting anything back from him.  It was totally and completely that I appreciated him.  I desired no remarks in return and frankly, I didn't get any like that.  

Kreed doesn't have to be the man I thought I needed to change him into.  He has always been the man I needed and wanted.  I changed myself into the woman who loved him and admired him for who he is.  I am so grateful for that.  I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who gave me time to change.   There were times in our marriage that I didn't know for sure if we would have the time to find happiness.  But my husband was amazingly patient and my thick skull finally cracked and I got the message.  I am one happy, blessed and lucky wife.

The amazing, wonderful, miraculous thing, is I apparently have been the woman my husband wanted all along.

Manipulation Does Not Work

For the past few months, Kreed and I have been reading some "self-help" and "motivational" books.  The one thing they all seem to have in common is this.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.

I will try to put this is a quick gospel setting.  The one thing that our Father in Heaven assures us as a gift here upon this earth, besides our body, is our agency.  If He doesn't try to "change" us, how can we possibly think that any amount of whining, manipulating, planning, yelling, coercing, etc. can hope to change our spouse, sibling, child, neighbor or coworker.  He has never commanded us to make others perfect.  The commandment is "to be ye, therefore, perfect."  Change ourselves.  

How do we react to others?   Do we use this gift of free will in our reactions to others?  Or do we just abandon our freedom and become victims of our circumstances.  Very sad.  I do it all the time.  

The books give great ideas on how to use our own free will to change our reactions to others.  There is nothing in any of the books on how to change others.  It is our own reactions that matter and ultimately change our lives and how we perceive those around us. 

If there was anyone who should have and could have sought revenge, it was Christ.  But look at how He handled things.  For those who spit upon Him, laughed at Him, mocked Him and ultimately killed Him.  He willingly gave His life, because He chose to.  He chose to LOVE.  

We think, yeah, but it is not fair.  My husband yelled at me.  My co-worker went behind my back.  My kids are disrespectful. Etc, etc.  All true.  It is not fair.  Was Christ's crucifixion fair?  The one who loved us all enough to go through what He went through?  Was it fair?  

Is it fair, then for us to reject the gift of agency, after what He chose to do for us.  Thank goodness, for His atonement and my ability to repent and change.  I love my Savior and His sacrifice.  I am trying hard to remember that I have a chose in how I react because of my brother, Jesus Christ!  I am so glad I am finally learning that lesson.  

The Cycle of the Murmuring Habit

I am sure this will count for something in choice and accountability. 

The Cycle of the Murmuring Habit

Just a quick review of  habits.  Cue, action, and reward.  To create a good habit: plan a cue that will spark the desired action that leads to the reward.  To get rid of a bad habit: identify the bad habit’s cues and rewards.  These must remain the same and then plan a new action taken at the cue.  That is a real short review and of course there is more to it than that. 

Just finished reading 1 Nephi 16.  Laman and Lemuel have a very bad habit.  When the going gets tough…they murmur.  I have the same bad habit.  It probably started innocent enough as they left their home in Jerusalem.  They both turned to each other and complained about how Dad had really gone too far this time.  The reward was mutual sympathy.  Using that as a cue, they turned to Nephi and Sam and complained to them.  Probably not much reward with that.  Then they tried to escalate the murmuring by going to their Dad. 

Things are going along great though for a while. They make it back successfully from their second trip to Jerusalem.  They marry.  The Liahona is given and they move on into the wilderness.  They are able to kill food for their families.  They probably feel very manly.  Then there comes a hiccup in the works.  Their bows lose their spring and Nephi’s breaks.  A problem has arisen, that is the cue. What action comes from the cue? Complaining!  Not, “How do we fix our bows?  Can we make a new one?  What about traps or snares?”  Nope, no habit of solving the problem has been developed, just the habit of murmuring. 

Note how their habit of complaining spreads.  Even to the prophet.  Sounds like the whole camp had moved from murmuring about their situation to complaining to and about God.  Poor Nephi, luckily for everyone else, developed different habits.  Notice verse 21.  He doesn’t say he is afflicted with lack of food.  No his affliction is his brethren.  In fact the affliction of his brethren “began to be exceedingly difficult.”  And apparently this brotherly aflliction caused the inability to obtain food. 

What is Nephi’s action to this cue of affliction?  See verse 21.  He begins to speak much unto his brethren that they must not harden their hearts or complain against God.  He doesn't pray and he doesn't make a bow. He calls his brothers to repentance. 

Next he makes the bow (solves the problem somewhat without prayer), goes to his dad and asks him to pray to get direction. 

What a great habit.  When the going gets tough…get going.  Don’t sit there.  Do what you can do.  Remind others that it is God who is in charge!  Then get to work.  Follow the line of authority.  Go and do! 

Everything works out well for family, they get fed.  They all take up the journey again.  

 But then Ishmael dies.  The habit of murmuring follows a different path this time.  A father dies.  That is the cue of a cultural habit, mourning.  The daughters mourn exceedingly.  But they don’t stop.  They escalate to mourning about their situation.  Mourning changes to murmuring and they murmur against the prophet. 

Now for women who think they don’t have any power over the priesthood…these woman continue to murmur. As these women continue to complain, their husbands decide to take drastic action.  Look at verse 37, they want to commit murder.  Yep, the women drove them to that, I believe. 

Thank goodness, that even in this very difficult time, the Lord is still with them and with His own voice they are called to repentance and humble themselves.  But they fail to change their actions, their habits remain the same.  So when the next cue come, the next tribulation…yep, they murmur. 

Tribulation is part of my journey of life.  Some tribulations are only minor and others seem so large they threaten to completely derail the journey forever. 

What habits can I develop when the cue of tribulation hits?  Will I murmur and search for the reward of mutual misery?  Can I recognize that this is the time I can rely on my Savior and his atonement?  When it is tough, will I get going? Will my reward for enduring be the comfort of the atonement in my life and joy in my up and down journey?  I have some planning to do.  

Habits

A short review of the book

The Power of Habit

Why We Do What We Do in Life and In Business

By Charles Duhigg

A book based on scientific study of habits, how they are formed and how we can change habits.  The author introduces the habit loop.  He says there is a cue, something that sets our habit in motion.  There is the habit or action. And there is the reward. 

Developing a good habit is easy.  For instance, say you want to start exercising.  You need to create the cue, laying out your exercise clothes at night so you see them when you get up.  Then you do the action.  This action leads to a reward.  If you want the habit to be one that really sticks, get the habit to create a craving.  It was interesting that 98% of people who exercised commented that they craved their endorphin high.  But for those who really stuck with their exercising, 68% of those also had some way of measuring success in small increments.  They not only craved the endorphins but the accomplishments they made each day. 

None of us want to change our good habits.  But we have so many bad habits.  How do we change those and stay successful at keeping them changed. 

The book is full of many examples and great inspiring stories of how people were able to change their habits.  Read them for yourself.  Here I just want to state the process Duhigg reports that leads to success in changing a habit. 

In order to change a bad habit, it is best not to change the cues or the reward, just the action.  An example is someone who smokes.  The cue may be stress, the action is smoking, the reward is release of the stress.  So how can someone give up smoking, life is stressfull.  We all have it.  But research has shown that caffeine can give the same stress relief as one cigarette.  So when stress comes, drink a cup of coffee, down a Mountain Dew, etc.  The relief comes and a habit is changed. 

Sounds simple but for many of us our bad habits are so ingrained we have no idea what actually cues them and we don’t necessarily recognize what reward we receive. 

This is where the author brings in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Science has recently studied why AA is so successful.  Steps four and five require the Alcoholic to think about and list all the cues that drive him to drink and then all the rewards he feels from drinking.  We need to do the same when it comes to a habit we wish to conquer.  We must concentrate on what is happening at the moment before we take the action we wish to remove from our lives.  How do we feel right afterwards and why?

Of course it is suggested that we write these things down.  Then we have to make a plan for what we will do instead of our bad habit.  For instance we want to stop eating the junk food people bring to work.  We discover that it is when we are bored or sleepy at work that we drop into the break room and grab some Twizzlers.  Afterwards, we are not so tired, we have a little sugar high and besides they tasted good. To change that, we make a plan.  Today, when the boredom hits, instead of walking to the break room, we walk to the stairs and go up and down four or five flights.  We have an endorphin high and we are on our way to replacing the bad habit with a good one. 

Now one thing that researches did not like about AA was their relying on God.  Because these were scientists not chaplains, they wanted to prove that one did not have to rely on God to overcome an addiction or habit.  A scientist in Germany implanted electrodes in the basal ganglia of a number of extremely addicted alcoholics; one had been through rehab 60 times.  They all reported that as soon as the electrodes were turned on they could walk into a bar and have no temptation at all.  Success!  But then they went back to their lives.  The stress mounted (the cue) and soon they were back drinking again even though they had no physical craving for alcohol.  It was the habit they had developed when they felt stress. 

This is the part of the book with the great inspirational stories. For the most part, the author remains a science reporter, but he just can’t explain everything with science. These men found that when they developed a “belief system” of some kind, they succeeded in giving up the alcohol.  They went to AA groups and saw that others were succeeding and that gave them the faith that they could succeed themselves. 

Even if it is just one other person, someone who can help you believe you can do it, solidifies your ability to replace one habit with another. 

In review, to change a habit, you cannot get rid of a bad habit.  It will always be a part of your brain pattern.  What you have to do is replace the action with a good action.  The cues and the rewards must stay the same.  But to be totally successful you have to have a community of believers even if it is just one. 

I read this book because I was interested to see why I have been successful at losing weight this time around.  I have seen how doing P90X supported the idea of developing a habit loop. Having the cue, doing the action (habit), receiving a reward.  P90X is extreme and it is not always “fun.”  But Tony Horton, the coach, has you keep track of every rep and every weight you lift.  I had the cues all around me.  My workout sheets were taped to the closet door.  My workout clothes and shoes were there when I got up in the morning.  My husband gets up early too, perhaps the best cue of all.  I got the endorphin high even when I was dying.  But more than that, and I think this is something that really did make a difference for me.  I recorded the weights and the reps and I saw the progress. 

But what has kept me going.  After all, I have done P90X twice and P90X Plus and now I am doing Turbo Fire, another extreme workout.  I have lost weight.  Why keep going? 

I have a group, a community that helped me believe.  I didn’t plan to be able to do all that I have done.  My daughter-in-law does not know how much she influenced me.  Heidi was so successful, she help me I try too.  My son, Jeremy laughed with me and encouraged me too. 

My husband loves my new slim and “powerful” look.  Jeremy started a Facebook group that has given me more incentive.  How can I stop?

But here comes the part that I think the author missed.  He reported people talking about it, but he did not list it as a component of the key to complete change.  All the really inspiring stories about people and groups that changed, reported one specific thing.  They started changing because they wanted to help others.  They stopped thinking about themselves.  In my vocabulary, they developed Charity.  The drunk helped put the chairs away at an AA meeting.  That was it, he put the chairs away.  He had helped the group and began to believe in them.  The football team started to do it for their coach.  The dad stopped cocaine for his son.

I continue to exercise for myself, of course; but also for my family.  I don’t want to be stuck in a wheelchair due to my arthritis.  I want to be the grandma who does, not just watches.  I want to serve a mission with my husband, AWAY FROM HOME.  I want to be able to be of service to others.  I want to inspire the person who thinks they can’t.  If I can, they certainly can.  Others keep me going.  I hope this little review helps others find ways to change too. 

I Stand All Amazed

Not a huge blog today.  Just working of Personal Progress and had to read 2 Nephi 2.  I find something new in there every time I read it.  Not necessarily, new...but something that touches me more in depth, I suppose.

So this time it was verse 7.

2:6 “ Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.” I don’t know if on earth, the statement, “...he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin,...” sinks in with as much meaning as it should.  I wonder how I comprehended His offer while in the pre-earth life.  Do I really grasp what he has done for me?  Am I willing to be broken hearted and contrite so that what He did for me, out of love for me, will be of value?  “I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me.”    

I love this picture by Liz L. Swindle. It is entitled, Mother.  Christ hugging his mother Mary. 

What Do  I/You Value?

As mentioned in previous blogs, I am working on my Person Progress.  This week included value experiences in Individual Worth and Divine Nature. D&C 18:10, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;" was the first scripture referenced in the experience.  

For some reason my kindle highlighted the next verse also.  D&C 18:11

                                

“For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him”

Whoa!  Wait a minute!  You know those times when the Spirit finally gets that spiritual bat to hit you right between the eyes and you wake up and think for a second.  This was one of them.  How great is the worth of souls to God?  Our Savior obviously must value mankind enough  to suffer death in the flesh and to suffer the pain of all men so we could repent.  Wait a minute…How much does the Lord value me? Does He value me also? I was stunned at the impact I felt from this verse.  What value...what love Christ has for us, for me.  

The next scripture was D&C 121:45, “Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men…”

Charity:  True love of Christ.  

Do I have the love that Christ has? How much value do I place on my brothers and sisters around me?  The spiritual bat was really beating me up now! 

As I was mulling these thoughts in my mind, my sweat little Granddaughter, Chloe, dumped all her yogurt bites on the floor.  What was the first reaction in my mind, “Oh, thanks, Chloe!  Now I have to clean up your yogurt bites. Sigh, mumble, mumble.”  Thank goodness the Spirit still had his bat in his hand and hit me again, square between the eyes.  How quickly I resorted to the natural man.  I love my precious Chloe.  She is the light of my day.  Yet, after just deciding to be more charitable...I was total without charity in my thoughts.  Thank goodness that bat hit me, because I was able to react in a much more gracious manner.  “That’s okay.  Let’s pick ‘em up.”  

  

The next day we went to Utah and spent some time with Erik.  Another moment of the bat hitting me on the head.  Erik reminded me that I have a tendency to criticize and make fun of others.  Yep right between the eyes once again. 

As we were leaving Utah Valley, there was a radio program on Mormon Times talking about older singles and dating.  The man talking said that all daters need to change their perspective  from “What can I get out of this date?” to, “How can I benefit and bless the life of the person I am dating?”

Today, I read Dale Carnegie’s words, “When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves.”

The bat has been swinging everyday!  

Is this the way I can develop that charity, the true love of Christ, His ability to value others?  Do I need to stop thinking about me?  That just does not fit with the culture in which I live.   “Me” is such an important part of our culture. 

Where does the word “me” come into our Savior’s life. "Thy will be done."  "The glory by thine."  Not a lot of me, in His thinking.  Our Redeemer suffered death in the flesh for you and me, he suffered the pain of all men. Not much “me” in that.  

What do I resolve?  To look out beyond myself, forget my problems.  I am blessed to know who I am.  I know of my worth.  There are so many who do not.  I must remember that the worth of souls is great in the Sight of my Savior.  Do I value others, as He does.  Better yet, do I value Him?   

Side note:  While I was preparing this blog, I could hear crunching in the other room.  I assumed Chloe was crushing crackers.  Nope, she was painstakingly dismantling the wicker basket that holds her books.  Oh, well.  Got that taken care of and gave her some wipe off markers and the whiteboard to keep her entertained.  However, the white board was not as entertaining as each of the squares of the tile floor.  But together we sang songs and picked up the pieces of wicker basket and played with the" bubbles" used to clean the floor and wash her hands. Valuing Chloe was much better than valuing my basket or the floor.  

Knowledge

Working on Knowledge

Value Experience #1

I read Proverbs 1:5; 4:7; 2 Nephi 38:30; and Doctrine and Covenants 88:78-80, 118, 90:15; 130:18-19; 131:6.

I am to think about why I need to gain knowledge and understand about how to apply gospel principles to my family life.  I am to write in my journal what I have learned and discuss it with my family.  So here I am killing 2 birds with one stone.  I figure blogging is the journal part.  I would love to have comments made and that way I will be discussing it.  So folks, help me out and make comments, so I can get my YW medallion.

We should seek knowledge above everything else according to Proverbs 4:7 and with it wisdom.   Wisdom is defined as the ability to make sensible decisions and judgments based on personal knowledge and experience. I would add that wisdom is also making sensible decisions and judgments based on personal knowledge and experience of others.  As I have aged, I have observed in my life, that at times, I learn quite slowly.  But no matter whether I learn vicariously or through personal experience, to really learn, to make it worthwhile, I have to exercise faith, either in someone else or in my Savior.  By learning and trying to gain wisdom I have prepared myself to fulfill my calling as a mother, wife and member of God’s kingdom. 

In Proverbs 1:5 we learn that wise people listen to others and learn from that which they hear.  If you are smart you will seek out people who already know what to do or have been through similar situations.  This is vicarious learning.  We believe the person who tells us the stove is hot.  That is enough for us not to test it for ourselves.  We can learn many things vicariously through the scriptures.  We can learn that it is worthwhile to pray by studying the story of the Brother of Jared.  We can learn how to serve others by reading the example of Christ’s life. 

But the Lord wants us to learn as much about everything as possible.  In D&C 88:78-80, we are encouraged to gain knowledge about everything including theory, principle, doctrine and law of the Gospel.  But also we should learn of things in the heaven, the earth, and under the earth.  We need to become knowledgeable in the history, politics of nations as well as our own. I think the Lord wants us to read a little fiction too, for he advises us in D&C 88:118 to seek out of the best books.  Gandalf, Dorothy and Pumpkin Head as well as Harry Potter have all helped me gain a little knowledge and wisdom. 

As I mentioned before, I have discovered over the course of my life that I learn relatively slowly.  I was watching Chloe the other day flicking through my I-pod, finding Netflix, dismissing an add by touching the x in the corner and scrolling through numerous movies until finding the  one she wanted to watch.  How quickly she can learn at such a young age.  It took me months to master simple things using the same contraption.  My slow learning does not just apply to my old age.  As a returning missionary, I remember arrogantly thinking I understood the Gospel.  I actually wondered what I would learn in Sunday School for the rest of my life.  If I could only reach out and slap my younger self.  The understanding that comes line upon line and precept upon precept as described in 2 Nephi 28:30 will continue for eternity.  How I wish I could have understood the gospel on my mission the way I do now.  How I wish I could understand the gospel now the way I will once I have entered into the presence of my Savior. 

This leads me to the last point.  Some things we just need to experience ourselves.  We have to endure pain to understand and empathize with one in pain.  We have to taste sugar to truly know what it tastes like.  This is why I found the last line of D&C 88:118 so interesting, “…to seek learning, even by study (mostly vicarious learning) and also by FAITH.”  We have to put what we learn to the test.  That test usually requires faith in our Savior.  Faith that he will not allow us to go astray.  How many times do we set out on our own voyage across uncharted waters as did the Jaradites.  How often do we feel we are in the dark and pray for assistance and get the answer, “Figure it out for yourself.”  We seek the knowledge and then we are required to put that knowledge to the test.   We see how wise we really are. But we must have faith that Christ will be there with us, he will not allow us to fail, at least not eternally.  We often don't know the next step for sure. I can, however, testify that I have been warned spiritually whenever I have been about to take a misstep.  Can't say I always listened to the warning, but that is all in how I have gained a little wisdom.   

If we can work on gaining knowledge and applying wisdom etiher vicariously or personal experience, then the Lord can use us in his Kingdom as it explains in D&C 88:80.  We will be prepared in all things to magnify our callings, to help our children, and support our spouse.  We will be able to fulfill the mission with which he has commissioned us. 

What My Mother Taught Me about Faith

and

How She Did It.

My mother was an interesting woman for her age.  In the 1960’s, men seemed to know and read the scriptures more than the women.  Most of my friends mother’s “lived” the gospel rather than “studied” it. 

Not my mom, she lived it and studied it.  I saw her reading her scriptures quite often.  She knew her Old Testament amazingly well and I was often told a Bible story for a bedtime story or just during the day because she thought it was a good time to tell me the story.  We had this big Family Bible with pictures.  Mom, often told me to look through it at the pictures (this was a way of keeping me busy while she was doing something else).  I didn’t like the pictures.  I still don’t like that artist’s work.  But the pictures made me ask questions and Mom would tell me the story regarding the picture.  Because of this, I gained a good foundation for my study of the Old Testament later. 

My first year of teaching Seminary turned out to be an Old Testament year.  I would often begin the lesson by saying, “Oh, this is one of my favorite stories!  Who can tell me the story of Jonah and the Whale (for instance)?”  I was shocked at how many kids did not know anything about the Old Testament.  They knew Adam and Eve, a few knew about Noah (the good one, not the bad king) but the rest of the book was just a black hole to many of my students.  (I also wondered if they had not gone to the Doctor and the Dentist.  When I was a kid there was this blue book of Bible stories in all the doctor’s and dentist’s offices.  That was another place I learned about the scriptures from my mom. She would sit by me and read the stories or just tell them in her own words. There wasn’t much else to do while sitting there.  Sure there was Highlights Magazine, but that was not as much fun as having Mom read to me.  But I digress.)

From listening to my Mom relate the stories of the Bible to me, I knew that she believed in God.  She loved her Savior.  I knew at a very young age that my mother had a testimony. 

I knew that she said her prayers.  I never saw her, at least not that I recall.  She would close her door to say them.  She was very good at getting me to say my evening prayers as part of my bedtime ritual.  She would whisper what I should say and I would repeat it.  Then one day in either Sunbeams or Stars we were challenged by Sister Inkley to say our prayers at home by ourselves and to ask Heavenly Father if he was really there and if he loved us.  That night I told Mom that I needed to pray by myself.  It was the beginning of my testimony.  But Mom never listened to my prayers again.  I was a little hurt by that at first.  However, Mom knew that I no longer needed her guidance with my prayers.  Her job there was finished.  Because of this I developed a very good relationship with my Father in Heaven that has helped a lot during my life.  She knew when to let go.

Mom taught me to keep the commandments and to expect the blessings that came from obeying them.  She often quoted D&C 130:20-21, “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven…upon which all blessing are predicated…when we receive any blessing…it is by obedience to that law…”

She often took me to deliver food to the sick or a new mother.  She would tell me that she was offering a service and that she would receive a blessing for doing so.  She told me that by watching for that blessing she could be thankful for it.  Another one of her favorite scriptures she liked to quote to me is also found in the Doctrine and Covenants 59:21.  “And in nothing doth man offend God,…save those who confess not his hand in all things…”

“If you don’t expect the blessings,” she taught, “you won’t notice them and you won’t thank God for them.”

One day when I was in Junior High, Mom was getting ready to prepare dinner.  Michael and Kathleen were both on their missions.  Kennecott Copper Company was on strike in Utah causing economic problems for the community.  Therefore, Dad did not have a lot of work.  No one was building new homes.  Well, Mom pulled out the shelf that had the soup cans on it.  “Wow, we only have one can of soup left to make dinner tonight.  Don’t know what I will do tomorrow night.  Glad I paid the tithing this month.” 

This was spoken so matter-of-factly I did not think there was anything to worry about.  I had dinner the next night and the next night and every night thereafter.  When I was a mother myself, I asked Mom about that time.  She said she remembered that night.  There really was only one can of soup in the cupboard.  She said there was other food in the house, but not much, cans of vegetables and all the bottles of fruit downstairs.  But she said that we had absolutely no cash in the house and no cash coming in.  The savings were being eaten up with bills and missionary checks.  Then she bore her testimony to me again…”But I had paid our tithing at the beginning of the month.  I wasn’t worried.  We would make it.  My goodness, two of our children were serving missions.  Your Dad was in the bishopric.  I was in some calling.  We were doing what we were supposed to be doing.  We weren’t going to be left destitute.”  Again, she was very matter-of-fact. 

There was one area in which I was surprised at my mother’s lack of faith.  That was in herself.  One day when I was about 10, I asked what she thought it was going to be like in the Celestial Kingdom.  She informed me that she didn’t think she was going to go there, but she thought the Terrestrial Kingdom was going to be beautiful. 

I was shocked!  How could my mother not think she was not going to be in the Celestial Kingdom?  As I developed a better understanding of the atonement and salvation I would often read a few scriptures with her and discuss it. So did my siblings.  I think she changed her viewpoint on this towards the end of her life. 

Her lack of faith in her own worthiness helped me to study and investigate the truth.  Because my Mother read her scriptures and believed and acted on them, because she expected blessings for obedience, because she knew when to leave me alone with my Father in Heaven, and because she had lack of faith in herself, I developed my faith.  It is the greatest gift she ever gave me.  Thanks Mom.  Love you. 

Grandma's Baking Adventure With Chloe

This morning Kreed asked me to pick up some treats for his home teachees, if I went to the store.  Well, after entertaining Chloe for a couple of hours, I thought I would take her to the store and we would pick up those treats.  But then I started thinking about all the effort it would take to put her in the car seat, get her out of the car seat and then fight her to stay in the grocery cart, finally giving up and taking her out and then running after her.  I decided baking something at home would be much easier and more time efficient.

Now, you must keep in mind that I have not baked anything from scratch for the past 4 months since starting P90X. 

I decided to make pumpkin bread.  Nope, the pumpkin cans had expired in July.   Okay, how about the mincmeat.  I like mincemeat cookies.  Good…not expired.  But the condensed mincemeat was expiring before the stuff in the jar, so I decided to use that. 

So I got out a pan, broke up the mincemeat, added the water and set the pan to boil. Then I began to gather the remaining ingredients. 

Meanwhile Chloe was walking around the kitchen trying to get her hands on anything higher than her head.  Kreed’s pears tasted good to her as long as she had only one bite per pear.  Numerous toys were brought out by her grandmother, but their interest lasted a total of 60 seconds.

In between removing Chloe from dangerous situations or removing objects I did not want her touching, I was still gathering ingredients.  This is how it went.

Shortening:  expired and rancid.  As I said, haven’t baked in a long time.  Shortening does not keep well in the Las Vegas heat.  This was unused new shortening, a little discouraging.  But then…a light bulb moment…food storage!  I had lots of dehydrated shortening, never been used and now might be a good time to learn how to use it.  So went and found the shortening, then opened the can and read the instructions.   

To the fridge to get the eggs. While on P90X I have used only egg whites in the carton.  You guessed it, the eggs were expired (by only 2 weeks).  Ah, but I have dried eggs in food storage too. Went and dug those out of storage and opened the can.  I now know that 3 eggs are equal to ¼ cup plus 3 tablespoons and 1 ½ teaspoon of dried eggs and equal part water.  You have to whisk this together.  Finally into the mixing bowl with the sugar shortening and eggs. 

Now to get the flour out.  I grind my own.  You guessed it.  There was not enough to make 2 batches of cookies.  I now had to grind more wheat.  In the meantime, the bug man showed up to spray the house.  Are you serious! He is supposed to come on Monday at 9:00!. 

The condensed mincemeat was still too warm and moist when I added it to the cookie mix, so I turned that into a cake.  Tastes very good.  The second batch was made with the canned mincemeat and I did not add all it said to add.  These also turned out wonderful, they are actual cookies. 

Now that the work is done, Chloe is playing quietly with a book in her box house.  I am cleaning up and the baked goods taste pretty good. 

Lesson learned, food storage is not just for financial emergencies or natural disasters but also very helpful when you just don’t have the energy to follow a 20-month-old around the grocery store.  Because it is obvious that going into Albertson’s and picking up a couple of dozen cookies would have been a lot harder than what I just did. 

God is in His heaven.

Over the past few months, I have been praying that the Lord would help my unbelief.  I, like the father who brought the ill son to the Lord, need help with my unbelief. (Mark 9:18-27

My request has been granted in so many simple ways.  I have found myself asking for help with such simple things because I have known He would help.  It seems that all that I have asked for has been given. this has given me pause, if what I ask for is so readily given, I may need to be careful for that which I ask. My desire to ask for only things that God desires has increased. 

So as this election day of 2012 begins, I have been searching for the way to phrase my prayers.   Personally, I want Romney to win.

 I do not know if I can endure another 4 years of the divisive politics of President Obama.  I fear the apathy that Obama's redistribution policy will place on our students.  I fear the tolerance that will be displayed to our youth about morals and values that are so important for them to develop for success in their families and careers.  I just don't want the grinding whine of Senator Reid and Congresswoman Polosi to be present in the media.

I want the security of knowing that someone is in the White House who prays before a committee meeting, someone  who desires to listen to others , someone who really understands the free enterprise system, a true capitalist.  Someone who is actually worthy of attending the temple.  It just gives me peace of mind. 

But, I do not know what God's will is?  I know what mine is. I have heard an apostle of God at the BYUI commencement promise that a time of prosperity is coming to America, perhaps it might be a short time, but that things still needed to be invented to promote the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world.  The Church needs a time of prosperity to continue its work.  Wonderful!  Will the next 4 years be that time?  I do not know. 

What I do know is that God is in his heaven.  As Lehi discovered in 1 Nephi 1, God is in control.  He has made a plan and His plan will succeed.  Whatever happens today will not impede that plan.  So, Father, help thou my unbelief.  Help me to trust in thee.  Help me to remember, you are in control.

Devision

Division

A few weeks ago Kreed and I were reading 2 Nephi 30 for our scripture study.  Basically it is a revelation Nephi received describing how many of the gentiles and Jews during the last days will accept the gospel.  The Jews will again be gathered, etc.  But verse 10 really caught my attention.  Perhaps because of the political climate right now.

The verse reads, "For the time speedily cometh that the Lord God shall cause a great division among the people,..." 

Fulfilled prophecy!

Remember the gulf that divided those partaking of the fruit of the tree of life along with those holding to the rod from the great and spacious building.  1 Nephi 12:18, "...And a great and terrible gulf divideth them; (now look at what the gulf is) yea, even the word of the justice of the Eternal God..."  Justice divideth.

"And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell; but as for ME and my house, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15. 

 I do not need to try to stretch across the gulf and have a foothold in the "vain imaginations of the world" while trying to hold on to the rod.  I accept there is a division.   I choose the Lord. 
! 

Rejoice? Really?

Trying out Elder Bednar’s suggestion of studying a specific topic by using an inexpensive Book of Mormon and reading to find answers to that topic.  How can I apply the atonement more effectively in my life. This topic incorporates a lot of subcategories which I have listed as faith, repentance and forgiveness.  Forgiveness is unique as I am trying to understand how I can be forgiven and accept that forgiveness.  I have discovered some subcategories of faith including diligence and endurance.  This blog attempts to elucidate some of the inspiration received in 1 Nephi 1.

Many members of the church probably feel as I felt as I turned to 1 Nephi 1, “What new tidbit could I possibly learn from this chapter.”  This chapter is probably the most read chapter of any book of scripture.  “I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents…” Yeah, yeah, yeah…we have all read it numerous times.  Many of us have taught it numerous times in Sunday School, seminary, etc.  As I began that verse, my mind raced ahead to the rest of the chapter, “Lehi is going to have a couple of visions and then he is going to go out and preach.” 

Wait a minute..I remembered that I would be reading some things I had previously found to be a bit incongruous.   Lehi prays because of his concern for his people.  He then has a vision of a fire resting on a rock. He presumably sees the destruction of Jerusalem and it troubles him.  Verse 7, says that once he returned home he cast himself on his bed and was overcome with the Spirit and the things which he had seen.  This all makes sense to me. It would disturb me if I saw a vision of the destruction of Las Vegas (not hard to imagine).

While pondering on his bed, Lehi sees God sitting on his throne, Christ coming to earth, the twelve, and is told to read a book (In John the Beloved’s vision he was instructed to eat the book).  Lehi reads as described in verse 13, “Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thy abominations!”  He then sees the destruction of Jerusalem and that many “perish by the sword, and many should be carried away captive…”

Now comes the part I have always found to be a bit inconsistent.  After seeing this great destruction, Lehi praises God for his mercy in verse 14.  Mercy?  Really?  He has just witnessed many deaths and the captivity of those that are left and he is talking about the mercy of God? Verse 15 is really odd.  Nephi records, “for his (Lehi’s) soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen.”  Now he is rejoicing?  I must have missed something.  I reread the entire chapter looking for the reason for such joy amidst such bad news. I believe I caught a glimpse of what gave Lehi reason to rejoice. 

Now I would like to hear from you what you believe gave Lehi reason to rejoice and his heart to be filled.  Nephi admits in Verse 16 that he did not write all that his father saw, but he alludes to it here and there.  Why is this particular vision and his Lehi’s reaction to it, used as the beginning of the Book of Mormon?  I would enjoy hearing from you, my readers.  Please, comment.  I will supply my thoughts latter. 

This morning, I heard a tidbit of a report about those people who had stood in line, some for days, so they could be the first to own the new i-phone.  I like my i-pod and some day, I think it might be nice to have an i-phone, everything in one place type of thing.  They interviewed on man who said, "When you want something, you do anything to get it.  You just have to have it right now."

Really!  Is that what he is teaching his children.  If they want something, does he really give it to them "right now."  We are not entitled to instant gratification.  If we were, those that repented would be instantly transfigured.  No matter how we try in our modern world to have instantaneous responses, that is not the way of this earth.  The seed must be planted, the sun must shine and the rain must fall and after days or weeks, the seed slowly begins to grow.  After a summer of weeding, nuturing, watering,...a harvest comes. 

I earn the money for the things I want.  I safe until I can pay cash for them.  My credit cards are payed off monthly.  If I can't afford it, I don't buy it.  If I can buy it and I think it is too expensive anyway, I go without.  The only things I need to exist are water, food, and the love of my family.  Everything else is frosting on the cake (I don't like cake without frosting anyway). 

Jeremy worked for the welfare office for a while as a food stamp case worker.  He was often amazed at the people who came in to get their food stamps with $80 artificial nails, big fancy cars and one guy who had a 7000 sq ft house.  It reminded me of a bishop who told me of a man coming in and asking for assistance because he had lost his job.  The bishop told the man he would come buy and visit him later that evening to talk about it.  As he drove up to the house (which the man had just purchased), he saw in the driveway a large SUV with a new car lisence in the window and the box for a new flat screen TV at the curb.  The bishop went into the house and suggested the man sell his new SUV, the flat screen TV and get rid of the cable and the unlimited texting plan for each of the children.  At first the man was upset (and I am sure his family was).  But they were obdient to the bishop and began to cut corners.  They were able to stay in their home and live off their savings and did not receive assistance from the church.  The man told the bishop it was the best thing that had ever happened to them.  The children all had part time jobs to help out and felt closer as a family. 

What do you have to have, right this minute.  The newest techno gadget?  The newest tweet?  The most recent post on facebook?  Come on...give it up.  We all survived when there was only one phone in the house at it was connected to the wall. It was luxuious if the cord was a 20 footer.  People made millions on wall street.  Dates still happened.  Friends still got together (actually face to face, in person), and children let their parents know they were going to be late. 

The most important thing in my life is my family, their health and welfare.  Our relationship is going to last an eternity and is worth working on everyday and is much more important than the latest i-phone.

No more seminary! I am so lost. What do I do for scripture study? I have read the assignment for Sunday School…twice. Even read some supporting articles. Now what! I can study anything I want? What a gift!



For family scripture study yesterday, Dad and I were reading in 1 Peter 4:12, 13.  I hadn't been getting much out of Peter this time around. It reminded me of Old English Legalese. But these two scriptures caught my attention. Study material!



Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.



Not just joy, but exceeding joy!



I love the BYU Scripture Citation site. (Thank you to all the poor students that have put that together.)  First quote listed is Neal A. Maxwell. We know that one will be good. It is from a talk in 1997 entitled "From Whom all Blessings Flow."



"Those who emerge successfully from their varied and fiery "trials" (furnaces) have experienced the grace of the Lord, which He says is sufficient (Ether 12:27)."



Stop! How often do I think that once I have completed something difficult in my life, that I made it through by the grace of my Savior? Or am I like the man who sees the single footsteps on the sand and does not realize they are not his footprints but Christ's.



By suffering I have the opportunity to be a “partaker of Christ’s suffering?”  I do not presume to believe that what I suffer comes close to what Christ endured, but does it allow me to glimpse and understand more fully and appreciate more completely what he endured?  Do I even think like that?   And what is it that disappoints God most?  When we do not acknowledge Him in all things. 



I am humbled.  I complain and gripe and groan and cry and gnash my teeth about my trials.  From now on, I pray that I will have a completely different attitude.  In D&C 121 we are advised that our problems will be for our own good.  Yes, they could be, if I allowed them to teach me of my Savior.  I can better understand Him because of my trials. 



Referring to Elder Maxwell’s quote, if I emerge from my trials, I do so because of the grace of Christ.  It is sufficient, enough, adequate.  The fact that I emerge from my trials is proof that he cares.  I think I have done it alone.  I foolishly give myself credit for enduring.  Hah!  I did nothing.  Without acknowledgement or receipt of gratitude, my Savior has carried me through.  I am nothing but a piece of ungrateful dust (Mosiah 2). 



I pray that I will remember this and put it to use in my life.  I can glimpse the joy and peace I can receive. 

I have to include Elder Maxwell's next statement.  "Even so, brothers and sisters, such emerging individuals do not rush to line up in front of another fiery furnace in order to get an extra turn."

Thank you Elder Maxwell. 

Success at last.

LeDawn Williams called me yesterday and asked if I kept a journal.  Yes.....  Then she asked if I would be willing to share a journal entry with the class and explain the benefits I have felt with keeping a journal.  Well, I have written in many journals quite often.  They are all over the house.  But I don't usually go back and read them.  I get the benefit of getting my feelings out with the writing but I don't often have the desire to go back and read what I have written. 

So this morning I opened my journal and read some things.  It was funny.  Most of the time I was reprimanding myself for yelling at my children.  Well, I can finally say I have overcome that problem.  They all moved out.  I haven't yelled at a child for years. 

My Goodness:  Mom is going to make two posts in one month!  Hold on to your hats!  Here it comes!

Teaching Judges in Seminary next week.  In Judges 2, the Lord lists the pagan God's that the Canaanites worship and tempt the Israelites to worship.  So I thought I better look them up and know some background concerning the "great" Baalim.  Wow!  What you can learn from Wikipedia! (along with the Bible dictionary)
Baal is basically a Phoenician God.  He is worshipped by all the "ites" in the area but with their own spin on it and at times with other names.  He is identified as Zeus among the Greeks.  Now who was Zeus?  How did he become the head honcho of the Gods.  Killed his "evil" dad, right.   Just think about that for a moment.

Baal (the more common use of the name), was the king of the Gods who ruled over the Gods of Heaven.  (Okay, I see the Zeus similarity).  In Canaan he was also known as Hadad and was the son of...wait for it...EL!

Now doesn't that put a whole different spin on these stories of the "Gods" of the ancients.  Satan, the great counterfeiter, spreads his version of what should have happened in the pre-existence.  In his version, the Son does get the Father's glory and saves all of mankind from the fathers tyranny.

Oh, there are many things that made the worship of false Gods despicable in the eyes of Jehovah.  But this must have been the most.  Satan changes the story so that he is the winner.  No wonder Zeus and the Gods had such carnal appetites.  That was who they were, the epitome of  carnal world.

Well, hope you enjoyed my little wikipedia find today. 

A New Years Resolution

I want to study the gospel more efficiently and more.  I don't know if I have been more efficient this morning.  I read a page and a paragraph of preach my gospel in 2 hours.

It was an amazing experience though.  You know how when you read about a doctrine, you might think, "Oh yeah, there is a great scripture that goes with that.  Let's see, I think it is somewhere in 2 Nephi, or is it Timothy?  Might be section 31 or maybe in Abraham."  In other words, you have no idea where it is, you just know it exists and it says something like....

Well this morning I made myself find the scriptures of which I was thinking.  It was amazing.  I also made a place in the back of my scriptures to jot them down and to organize them.

The section I read of Preach My Gospel was "Introduction: How Can I Best Use Preach My Gospel?" Like I said, I read just one page. 

The lesson that hit me the hardest was in the second section entitled "The Missionary Lessons." 

Rarely should a lesson go over 45 minutes. 

I was so impressed with this that I wrote William about it.  I know from experience, that the Spirit stops testifying somewhere around 46 minutes. But I can keep going anyway.  There is an old saying in entertainment and business, "Always leave the people wanting more."  I cringe when I look back on my mission and realize how often I tried to teach, not line upon line, but novel upon novel. 

Short and Sweet.  That needs to be my motto.  I think that needs to be everyones motto.  I don't mind getting out of church early. 

I thought of two chapters of the scriptures that went along with this section.  First 3 Nephi 27 and especially verse 21.  Jesus says his gospel shows us what we need to do and that includes what we have seen him do.  Then in 2 Nephi 31 it tells us what Jesus did.  I read 2 Nephi 31 outloud and even did a few markings to see how long it took Nephi to explain the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  6 minutes! 

Short and Sweet and to the point. 
 

Accepting Agency

Goodmorning everyone: 

I have been musing again and thought it would be good to write some of it down and therefore organize my thoughts into some kind of cohesive comprehensive unite.

I recently bought a book entitled, “If Only…”  In the preface there was this story that I will tell in my own words.  The author, Kim A. Nelson, a LDS therapist, explains that he was in a city giving a speech.  After the speech, a woman in a wheelchair, came to him from the audience and asked if he was LDS.  When he answered in the affirmative she asked if he was worthy to give a priesthood blessing.  He had to think about that for a moment and then answered yes again.  She asked if would be willing to give her a blessing as she was far from her home ward and did not know anybody else that she could turn to.  Brother Nelson asked if he could go get a friend who he knew was at the conference also to assist in the blessing.

Together they found a room that was private and asked the woman what kind of blessing she required.  She then told them that she had been baptized about 18 months before.  Shortly after that she had been diagnosed with MS, her husband had left her and she had 3 boys, 2 with ADHD and the last one had been diagnosed with some form of autism.  Brother Nelson and his friend were overwhelmed with her story.  How could they bless all her problems away!  Brother Nelson asked her what kind of blessing she was seeking.  She said simply, “I need you to bless me that I can learn to love my new life.” 

She did not ask for any of her trials to be removed or made easier.  She was willing to accept what the Lord gave her, she just wanted to right attitude to enjoy what she had been given.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It made me think of different circumstances I have observed in my life.  Sister Harless’s way of approaching her death (accepting and enjoying the time she had) and Sister Doty’s (who has mournful endured it).  The way the Stewart Family and the Bench Family have approached the death of their loved ones versus the way Sister Walker has mourned the death of her three sons to the point of not enjoying the lives of those who still live. 

The title of the next section is, “Accepting the Gift of Agency.”  The 60’s era part of me immediately thought on reading that, “Wow, man!  That is deep!”  Do I fully accept that gift?  I do not know?  Do I feel that I just hang on for the ride and endure what comes my way? 

Recently a sister in the ward said, “It is easy for you to be happy.  You have never had to struggle with your kids or your family.  You have the perfect life.”  At first I agreed with her, and even felt guilty for my joy.  Then I thought---“WHAT!?  Lady, you don’t know me.  You have no idea what I have been through in my life or what I am going through right now.  I am happy, because I choose to be happy!” 

People feel the same way about Pam.  I have been told many times that they envy Pam and her perfect husband, home and family.  Oh, if they only knew.  We look around at others and envy their money, their perfect children, their perfect spouse, their perfect home.  We are idiots.  We have no way of knowing what they are experiencing behind their closed doors.  No one gets away without having trials to overcome in their lives.  I have also learned that those trials at many times are so severe that we feel we cannot overcome them.  They need to be that bad, so that we will turn to our Father in Heaven and our Savior and rely on him. 

Am I happy, because I have learned to trust the Savior and to lean on him?  I have some heavy trials right now.  I do a lot of praying, but I don’t do a lot of stewing.  Have I come to the point in life where I can endure well?  I don’t want to say yes for fear God will put me to a bigger test.  I don’t need more testing.  At least that is my humble mortal opinion.  But I can endure what I have experienced and what I am experiencing with hope for a better life here and in the hereafter.  Perhaps I have accepted that “gift” of agency and am putting it to use.  At least so far in my life I seem to be able to choose life and liberty and happiness. 

Perhaps I am writing this down so that it will be of use to me in the future.  But I hope that I am beginning to accept the atonement as a power in my life.  I hope I am begging to accept that promise that I exist so that I can have joy.  Yes, I have trials and sorrow, but at the same time I have a lot of joy in my life.  I am an orphan, but I have the joy of knowing that my parents are my parents for time and eternity.  They are still a part of my life.  I received comfort just the other day from my mother.  I don’t even remember right now what the situation was.  Something in my life, some question or discouragement had arisen, and I felt her spiritual arms around me and seemed to hear her whisper, “You can do this.  I am right here.  You have done it before and you can do it again.”  I think it is amazing that I cannot remember what crises had developed at that moment.  I know it had been a big one, but I pulled through it or at least that part of it, healthy, happy and ready to face the next problem. 

If we truly accept the “gift” of agency we accept the responsibility for our actions, our choices and our consequences.  We realize we will make mistakes and that we can learn and try again.  We accept that Christ will forgive us.  That He suffered for all our stupid mistakes we make over and over again.  We accept that He is there with His hand outstretched to us through all our efforts of trial and error.  He lifts us up when we allow Him and He does not leave our side when we let go.  He is right there when we decide to take hold once again. 

If we accept our “gift,” then we have to allow others to use their own “gift.”  We cannot accept our own and try to manipulate others’.  We can invite, entreat, and encourage but we cannot force anyone else.  We have to allow others their right to their gift and their right to “accept” it. 

Thanks for reading.  I can’t force you to do anything. (As a mom, I might try, but in the end I will fail.) Thanks for making the choice to read my poor ramblings.  Love you all.